OVER AND OVER

9/25:

Not back together, not letting go. That’s been the story over and over. Are we dating, or detaching. Checking it out again, or just softening the seperation. Now I want to witness my insanity, to hold up this mess of mistakes and re-examine my faulty formula. It has been fun. And somehow so compelling to be stuck on this roller coaster ride with nothing but our passion to propel us. I’ve loved this man with all I am. I've let myself imagine we could do this, that he might want me enough to invest in the trust. So there is a lot here to let go of. How do I turn from my source, both the pusher and the drug, the oxygen and the asthma? Some days I’d rather be miserable in his company than all well on my own. And when he’s there again with another light-hearted offer, how am I to fight the easy temptation. He’s not fattening, or cancer causing. Just another day to replay our puzzle. And so weeks have come and gone. Three months and more since this first began to end. It’s clear I can see, I don’t want to let this go. I love loving this man.

But I have to recognize I can no longer allow my own instincts where he’s concerned. I can’t trust my impulse to crawl back into the center of this sweetness. Of course I want to curl up where it’s warm, to toast myself by the fire we’ve formed and lay claim to the comforts of this home. But I’ve moved. This isn’t my address anymore. No more kindling for that fire. No more nesting in that downy dream.